i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
