mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I died a long time ago.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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