Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
