I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
