I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize