I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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