ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Less talking, more tequila
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
