I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
