i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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