can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
