I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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