Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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