Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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