Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize