I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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