Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
