i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
