my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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