Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
