It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she told me i tasted like america
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize