i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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