I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
