I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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