I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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