last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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