i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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