I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
