I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
