this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
