Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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