The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
