my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
