I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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