I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
