the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
