I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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