I am puke
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
