I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
