cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
