someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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