dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
