what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
