She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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