I think im going to throw up on grandma
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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