i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
