I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
