Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
