if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
