Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize