While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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