I can tuck mytits in my pants
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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