Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
