No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just invented taco cereal.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let the clothes fall where they may.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
